Whether it was relating to my physical health, my mental sanity, or my emotional stability - over the last couple of weeks - without question, I can tell you with full confidence... I hit rock bottom. I've reported many "first times" during this entire health catastrophe but... for the first time, I felt like I lost control over EVERYTHING.
It all started 2 weeks ago with the devastating, last-minute cancellation of a trip that I'd been diligently planning and eagerly awaiting. Almost immediately after, things plummeted. I fell sick. I rapidly lost vision. Got off chemo. Frustration arose from all around. Fear ensured within me. Still no definitive diagnosis. Injection in my eye. Back on chemo. Shuttling back and forth between specialists every single day. Three doses of IV steroids in less than 48 hours. My head was spinning. Inexplicable madness, mayhem, and exhaustion. I was drained.
It's been so long since I've been pumped with IV steroids that I nearly forgot what kind of an unpleasant toll it can take on you. Let's put it simply. I experienced some SERIOUS ROID RAGE! Not only did the medications send me into a complete frenzy, I became overly sensitive, emotional, and the "bad" in my life amplified and shifted to the forefront of my thoughts. My head was in a fog. Whatever was happening was crushing my soul
I spent most of my weekend crying, commiserating with myself and so depressed that I was physically aching and unable to move. I have NEVER felt so low, lost, weak, and directionless in my life - it was frightening! I'd been doing so well up until then - staying positive, weathering through, and battling with elegance. Was I now losing control over my feelings too? I prayed so hard that these emotions and lethargy were direct effects of the synthetic medications floating around my body and not how I actually thought and felt.
Out of desperation to get myself out of this funk, I visited an old Chinese healer on Saturday afternoon who told me,
"Things get really bad before they get better."
And then, on Sunday morning, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The negativity, depression and bad juju dissolved in my sleep. It was like I woke up from a nightmare; I felt like myself again. Thank goodness - I bounced right back as the medications exited my system. I put my warrior tiara back on (um... yes, literally LOL) and gained more determination than ever before to get my life back. I've sort of accepted that I can't control a lot of what happens with my body but I am definitely not going to let this thing consume my spirit or my life anymore and that's a promise. Of everything I've experienced, feeling complete loss of control over all aspects of my life was by far the scariest. I'm relieved that I hit rock bottom because this was a springboard to the only direction I have to go from here - UP.
On a side note: After having experienced this awful bit of depression, my heart is broken for those who suffer from forms of heavy, sad feelings daily. I'm one of the lucky ones who suffered temporarily and circumstantially but it saddens me realizing there are people out there who struggle with this weight constantly. Through this horrific yet strengthening experience however, I'm more driven to develop the support element of my foundation. It is equally as important as finding a cure and raising awareness <3