As we approach the end of the year, I'm preparing for the inevitable, cringe worthy, year-end social media posts. You know, the ones like 2015 allowed me to grow as a person, cutting negativity out of my life! new year, new me...blah, blah blah. However, this had me thinking - with everything that's happened, what would be the theme, so to speak, of this past year for me? Over the last 2 weeks, this has become a mental challenge attempting to summarize 2015 as succinctly as possible. But before I get to it, allow me to recap so one can understand why this was no simple feat...
Weekly 7-hour chemo infusions, chopped off 9" of my hair, egg freezing, chipmunk face, Cytoxan (evil chemo drug), The Sumaira Foundation's 1st event, PET/CT scans, chronic Achilles Tendinitis & Plantars Fasciitis, loss of appetite leading to malnourishment, severe fatigue, California, Pneumonia, became the 1st Miss Bangladesh-USA, Asia trip gets cancelled, relapse #4, Neutropenia (abnormally low WBC count), injection in the eye, hair loss, Menopause, emergency halt of chemotherapy, atypical migraines, birthday celebrations, remission, 2nd foundation event at the Empire State Building, Europe, leaving my old job, starting a new job, relapse #5, back on immunosuppressive therapy, Livedo Reticularis, facial nerve issues, California, sporting a full-time boot, the beginning of IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulin).
Are you exhausted? Me too. And these are just some of the climactic events. However, exhaustion is not the theme; it is learning to let go. This concept doesn't only apply to my health but it's been true for many aspects of my life whether my love life, friendships, career decisions, family conflicts etc. To avoid this post from becoming a novel though, I'll only briefly go into it.
A year ago, I used to find motivation in fighting my fight by trying to get my old life back. It made me hopeful but I became increasingly frustrated as new circumstances made the distance from my desired destination seem farther and farther away. This forced me to troubleshoot, realizing that it's impossible, for multiple reasons, to be the way I used to be - mostly because it's scientifically not possible. And the same goes for you.
Why is it that when faced with a bad situation, we're constantly focused on regressing to a place of familiarity rather than having faith that the unknown mixed with good karma may lead us to something unimaginably better?
I will never look the way I used to look or see the way I used to see. I may not be able to dance the way I used to dance or walk the way I once sashayed. My hair may never be what it once was. But that's not to say that these things can't be even better. The day that I let go of this fixation of returning to life pre-illness is the day I became liberated from myself and some of the dangerous areas of emotions and thoughts that I fear so much.
I wouldn't change a single thing from this year and no longer have a desire to be how I once was; I'm truly the happiest and most zen that I've ever been. I'm learning to open my mind, heart, and thoughts to the potential of a very bright future. Inherently, the unknown can be scary but this is also very exciting.
Wow, I've literally just done exactly what annoys me about what everyone else does at the end of the year. LOL! Happy Holidays xx Sumaira