Sumaira Flower

Sumaira Flower

April 26, 2016

From Relapse to Renaissance

During my the peak of my illness, this blog became an invaluable gift to me. I never intended for this blog to be about me and most certainly not about my sickness but overtime, it transformed into a cathartic platform where I freely expressed my thoughts and feelings during my lows with hopes of helping others while simultaneously helping myself. Which explains why I've been MIA on here.

In the last 6 months, my health and vision were trending upwards. I've been working relentlessly towards remission and have made significant strides in my recovery which re-opened the doors of excitement, laughter and happiness for me. Everything was beautiful again. I was resurrected. But as they say, all good things must come to an end...

I'm going through yet another relapse. Words cannot possibly articulate the frustration, disappointment and anger I'm experiencing. This was the longest period of dormancy during this insanely long two year episode... so long that I sometimes even forgot that I was sick! 

In addition to being an obedient patient and undergoing IVIG every month, I changed my diet. I stopped drinking coffee. My hair is growing back. I consciously avoid stressful situations. I've become more active, social, and self-aware. All contributors to good health that involve a great deal of effort, energy, and dedication. I've been committed to my internal cause and finally started seeing the positive results of all the hard work!

Gosh, I was so naive. I got spoiled and perhaps too comfortable with feeling good, regaining confidence, and seeing well again. I foolishly believed that bad episodes were far behind me and I was finally free of shackles. I assumed that feeling great again was my right. But unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Feeling good and being healthy is a luxury that I have to work extra hard to attain. 

Though I've been through significantly worse, this relapse has been a complete shock to my system; it's hit me harder than any of the previous episodes. All the memories I tried so hard to block are suddenly flooding my mind making me feel like I'm drowning. 

But I must re-learn to combat these strong tides as these probably won't be the last to make an appearance in my life. Yes, I'm sad and angry but I stand by the oath made last year about not letting this disease tarnish or control my spirit. Through these trials and tribulations, I'm constantly learning. And today I learned, that I need to stop being in denial and accept that this is my life. There are going to be ups and downs. These are the cards that were handed to me and it's because I can handle and conquer them with grace. 

I will bounce back and be bouncier than ever when I do. I'm not giving up; I never have and I never will. If the period before this was my resurrection then the phase after this bump will be my renaissance. xx Flower 

January 20, 2016

Taking Charge of My Life

Just like everyone else, I decided that 2016 will be my year - a year of self-discovery when I will blossom into the healthiest, happiest and most successful version of me.  

I've reached the peak of tolerance with my health issues; my patience is worn thin. I'm desperate to get better because there's a lot to accomplish that's been put on hold due to my illness. I don't want to take any more pills, endure anymore arduous treatments or feel "sick" anymore. These are my goals for the year. 

It was 11 AM on the Monday before New Year's in New Jersey. Within an hour of waking up, I had a pounding headache and was a raging b&*ch! Then, I drank coffee and both symptoms magically disappeared. Then, it dawned on me. "WHOA! Coffee controls me."

I went cold turkey and stopped drinking coffee three weeks ago. The caffeine withdrawal was BRUTAL but this decision has been a game changer for the better!

Sleep: My sleep took a major hit with the medications I've been on. I took Ambien almost every night for an entire year which means I never achieved REM sleep, never felt rested and was always tired. No good. I'm still on the medications but now, I can fall asleep naturally, through the night, albeit later than desired, without the need of a sleeping agent. (My mom is especially pleased with this!)

Energy & Mood: I have new found energy! I say new found because it's truly very different from anything I've ever felt before - it's authentic and natural; not a stimulant boost. I feel "lighter" in many respects. Not sure if I'm able to accurately convey how good I've been feeling in words but just know - it's fantastic!

Money: This one goes without saying but I've saved a lot of money. Let's say you spend an average of $3/day on coffee - simple math - that's $1,095 a year! BYE FELICIA! 

Whiter Teeth: Coffee stains your teeth. Period. 

There's plenty of evidence suggesting that coffee is in fact good for you and I still believe that it can have favorable effects. I'm not here to begin an anti-caffeine crusade and convince you to never drink it again. I'm simply sharing how cutting out coffee has been beneficial to my situation. 

Caffeine withdrawal is no joke though (it's even considered a mental health disorder!) If you're considering cutting coffee out, I highly recommend staying away from human beings for the first 3-4 days. You will have the worst headaches known to mankind, be absolutely miserable and extremely irritable but it's totally worth it! Next step towards a healthy me: nutrition 180! Stay tuned on my progress :)

P.S. It's SO liberating to not be addicted to anything anymore!

December 13, 2015

Just Another Year-End Proclamation

As we approach the end of the year, I'm preparing for the inevitable, cringe worthy, year-end social media posts. You know, the ones like 2015 allowed me to grow as a person, cutting negativity out of my life! new year, new me...blah, blah blah. However, this had me thinking - with everything that's happened, what would be the theme, so to speak, of this past year for me? Over the last 2 weeks, this has become a mental challenge attempting to summarize 2015 as succinctly as possible. But before I get to it, allow me to recap so one can understand why this was no simple feat...

Weekly 7-hour chemo infusions, chopped off 9" of my hair, egg freezing, chipmunk face, Cytoxan (evil chemo drug), The Sumaira Foundation's 1st event, PET/CT scans, chronic Achilles Tendinitis & Plantars Fasciitis, loss of appetite leading to malnourishment, severe fatigue, California, Pneumonia, became the 1st Miss Bangladesh-USA, Asia trip gets cancelled, relapse #4, Neutropenia (abnormally low WBC count), injection in the eye, hair loss, Menopause, emergency halt of chemotherapy, atypical migraines, birthday celebrations, remission, 2nd foundation event at the Empire State Building, Europe, leaving my old job, starting a new job, relapse #5, back on immunosuppressive therapy, Livedo Reticularis, facial nerve issues, California, sporting a full-time boot, the beginning of IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulin). 

Are you exhausted? Me too. And these are just some of the climactic events. However, exhaustion is not the theme; it is learning to let go.  This concept doesn't only apply to my health but it's been true for many aspects of my life whether my love life, friendships, career decisions, family conflicts etc. To avoid this post from becoming a novel though, I'll only briefly go into it.

A year ago, I used to find motivation in fighting my fight by trying to get my old life back. It made me hopeful but I became increasingly frustrated as new circumstances made the distance from my desired destination seem farther and farther away. This forced me to troubleshoot, realizing that it's impossible, for multiple reasons, to be the way I used to be - mostly because it's scientifically not possible. And the same goes for you. 

Why is it that when faced with a bad situation, we're constantly focused on regressing to a place of familiarity rather than having faith that the unknown mixed with good karma may lead us to something unimaginably better?

I will never look the way I used to look or see the way I used to see. I may not be able to dance the way I used  to dance or walk the way I once sashayed. My hair may never be what it once was. But that's not to say that these things can't be even better. The day that I let go of this fixation of returning to life pre-illness is the day I became liberated from myself and some of the dangerous areas of emotions and thoughts that I fear so much. 

I wouldn't change a single thing from this year and no longer have a desire to be how I once was; I'm truly the happiest and most zen that I've ever been. I'm learning to open my mind, heart, and thoughts to the potential of a very bright future. Inherently, the unknown can be scary but this is also very exciting. 

Wow, I've literally just done exactly what annoys me about what everyone else does at the end of the year. LOL! Happy Holidays xx Sumaira

November 12, 2015

Oh Brother, Thou Art Here

I don't write as frequently as I once used to - I've got a lot going on. But, I have a story to share that I've kept to myself for most of my life. I'm not sure what has prompted me to share it now, maybe the tragic death of my mom's brother, but I'm ready. 

Only a few people know this but... I had a brother. I remember that day as if it was yesterday: the first time my parents told us about him. I was four years old, sitting in between my two older sisters (of course, because they never let me sit near the window) in the back of our car, waiting in front of Rickel's, a hardware store in Holmdel, NJ. Even though I was so young, this vivid memory never left me; I was devastated, grief stricken and heartbroken. My parents recognized this too so they gave me the only photograph we had of him and told me to take good care of it. I guarded this picture with everything I had.

As with most siblings, there was a lot of bullying and fighting in our house. Correction: I was bullied by my older sisters. In retrospect, I was definitely the easiest target being the youngest and all. When they really wanted to be mean though, they'd say things like "if he were alive, you wouldn't be here!" Awful, I know, but we were kids. It's totally normal to be nasty towards one another - I don't hold it against them.  However, a part of me knew that they were in fact correct. My parents wanted three children so technically Diana would've been the youngest and... I wouldn't have been here. From then on, we rarely spoke of him. It was too painful and sad. His story, the picture, and the imaginary memories I created with him became an unspoken part of our lives that I made conscious efforts to not think about.

Fast forward 20 years circa 2013. I was with my former roommate/good friend/soul sister getting into deep, existential conversations. That night, I said something out loud that I'd never said, understood or realized until then. 

"I've never stopped thinking about my brother ever since I found out about him."

I immediately covered my mouth with my hand thinking, "OH. MY. GOD." It was the greatest epiphany of my life. The next day, I texted both of my sisters asking if they ever thought about him assuming they'd respond similarly, to which they both replied something along the lines of, "it's been years." Interesting.

But it's true. He's infinitely in my thoughts, whether consciously or subconsciously, and it's been this way ever since I can remember. Though I've never met him in the flesh, he's a part of me and I know him better than anyone else. He and I are cosmically connected and I am the living embodiment of him. Our lives draw so many parallels it's uncanny. I never used to believe such things but I genuinely believe that my brother is my guardian angel and protector.  During my sickest of days, I'm certain that he kept me from dying to not only protect me but to also avoid having my parents lose yet another child. Today, despite all the scary situations I'm faced with, I'm fearless because I know he is always looking after me.

A couple of years ago, I gave the photo back to my parents. I didn't need photographic evidence anymore because he's with me all the time; they deserve to have a piece of him too. I dedicate this post to my parents, especially my mother, who have seen too many deaths in a single lifetime. I want to tell them that he is still very much present and with me all the time. 

My brother's name was Istiaque Ahmed. He died from an illness on August 16, 1986, just two weeks after he was born in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Today, he would have been 29 years old and probably one of the coolest, funniest, and most profound people you ever met.

September 25, 2015

UberPOOL: The Latest Buzz in Blind Dating?

I've been using Uber since it's beginning days of when it was just a black car service. (Read my post here) I didn't use it as religiously as I do now largely due to the fact that it wasn't as financially practical as it is now. Nevertheless, I used it on occasion when I wanted to feel like a famous person ;)

As per usual, I enjoy chatting with Uber drivers - learning about if they work outside of Ubering, why they started, do they love it? does it financially make sense for them. You know, like really personal questions. And they almost always, have very interesting stories and insight to share making the ride fly by!

Which brings me to the topic of this post... So, UberPOOL was debuted recently. UberPOOL is 30% cheaper than UberX. The flat rate is displayed to the rider before they confirm the request. The caveat is that you consent to other riders being picked up and dropped off along the way to your final destination. This model has apparently led to the birth of the newest, most efficient way to go on blind dates. SAY WHAT?! Yes, you read this correctly.

An amused Uber driver shared some very interesting stories with me during my first UberPool ride the other day. I asked him what his thoughts on UberPOOL were. For the most part, he seemed slightly annoyed but heavily entertained. Apparently, the concupiscent (avoiding the use crass language here - thanks!) lot of single folks in Boston are using UberPool as a way of meeting new suitors whether short or long term, but according the driver, mostly short. He recounted tales of a couple (sometimes more!) strangers/riders coming in the car with separate destinations ending up at the same destination merely minutes after meeting each other.

He referred to this as the "new age blind dating" No kidding! I don't want to sound old-fashioned but using Uber as a dating tool might be a little too advanced for me. I somewhat see the logic behind it but I don't know... I mean hey, if it works - great! I guess ya never know. But, I fear the day people will say "I met my husband through UberPOOL" and it'll be totally normal! Can't we just go back to traditional dating as archaic as it may seem nowadays? It worked pretty well for a long time!

Anyway, thought I'd share this with you guys. Thanks Uber for helping people get from place to place and now, facilitating casual hook-ups in our lovely city! Feel free to share your thoughts and/or experience with UberPOOL below!

PS. There is a very relevant quote I'm tempted to reference but can't because of how inappropriate it is but it's from Sex and the City Season 5 Episode 7 when Carrie and Samantha take the train to San Francisco. if you know it, write it in the comments section below ;)

September 11, 2015

Farewell Boston Laser

You haven't heard from me in a while and I assure you there is solid reasoning for it. I've been a pretty busy lady if I say so myself. In summary, there have been some life-changing moments, decisions, and soon-to-be experiences...

Let's recap. Since I last posted:
1. With some serious help from a childhood friend who works for LinkedIn, I planned, hosted, and successfully executed a fundraiser at the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING (yes, you read this correctly) for The Sumaira Foundation.

2. I accepted an incredible career opportunity in an industry I've always wanted to be a part of!

3. I'm traveling to Europe tonight visiting Paris, Geneva, and Brussels. I booked my trip 2 weeks ago.

Sheer insanity right? All in just 6 weeks.

Evidently, change is in the air. I can feel it in my gut. I can even smell it. Something unfamiliar yet thrilling. I like it but I'm nervous about the unknown. I truly believe good things are coming my way.

After 5 1/2 years, I'm leaving my job. Boston Laser has acted as more than a place of employment for me. It became a second home where coworkers became best friends. I was just 20 years old when I started working here - it was my first "real" job after college. It's all I've ever known in my adulthood.

Emotionally speaking, I've felt like a psychopath this week. I've never felt so excited yet so sad at the same time. I didn't even know it was possible. What a dichotomy of feelings. While I'm so happy to be going on an EPIC Euro trip & "starting over" especially now that I'm in remission (or some place close to it!) I'm simultaneously very sad. I feel like I'm leaving my family. It is here where I acquired skills professionally as well as lessons for life. Boston Laser will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Thank you for teaching me so much over the years. For giving me the richest of experiences professionally and personally. For giving me priceless memories and the greatest laughs. And  of course, for taking care of me during my sickest of days. Farewell to my colleagues, friends, and the patients of Boston Laser. I love you all so much and will miss everyone more than words can express. :,-) <3

I'll post about my trip when I return next week. Until then... Ciao! xx Flower

PS. If you're in the New England area and want LASIK or have any eye care needs - go to BOSTON LASER! They are truly the best.

PSS. Just for memory's sake - here is my video from my LASIK surgery back in April 2013 :)

July 09, 2015

A Memoir: The Most Obvious Next Best Step

A couple of weeks ago, a friend suggested a book she read that reminded her of me. Knowing my aversion to reading, she prefaced this by telling me about the audio version. SOLD! The book, The Sound of a Wild Eating Snail (by Elisabeth Tova Bailey), is a memoir about a young woman who became chronically ill overnight with a mysterious ailment. I finished the audio book in 2 days and craved more. 

I started Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness (by Susannah Cahalan) last week and finished this morning. Despite our different diagnoses and symptoms, our stories are uncannily similar. As I listened to her story, I was confused at times because it was as if I was listening to myself talk. So much of what she touches upon, I too have felt, experienced, and vocalized almost verbatim!

Suddenly, the loneliness that encroached on my life a year ago diminished. 

On a much smaller scale, in the same way that these books have been helping me, people have reached out about how my posts have helped them. These are priceless moments, every time. 

I've been told to write a book for some time now and while it was an appealing thought, I wasn't ready. Opening your life up and revealing some of the most personal of feelings and experiences takes an incredible amount of courage and I didn't have it. Even though I've shared a bit through my blog, there has been SO much that I've kept to myself. However, the time feels right and writing has been nothing but cathartic for me throughout this entire health saga. 

I may not be the most prolific writer who uses fancy vocabulary but  I have one helluva story to tell. I promise to write this with integrity and be as raw and candid as I always have been. And you better believe I'll be narrating my own audio book ;) xx