Sumaira Flower

Sumaira Flower

May 18, 2015

Rising from Rock Bottom

Whether it was relating to my physical health, my mental sanity, or my emotional stability - over the last couple of weeks - without question, I can tell you with full confidence... I hit rock bottom. I've reported many "first times" during this entire health catastrophe but... for the first time, I felt like I lost control over EVERYTHING.

It all started 2 weeks ago with the devastating, last-minute cancellation of a trip that I'd been diligently planning and eagerly awaiting. Almost immediately after, things plummeted. I fell sick. I rapidly lost vision. Got off chemo. Frustration arose from all around. Fear ensured within me. Still no definitive diagnosis. Injection in my eye. Back on chemo. Shuttling back and forth between specialists every single day. Three doses of IV steroids in less than 48 hours. My head was spinning. Inexplicable madness, mayhem, and exhaustion. I was drained. 

It's been so long since I've been pumped with IV steroids that I nearly forgot what kind of an unpleasant toll it can take on you. Let's put it simply. I experienced some SERIOUS ROID RAGE! Not only did the medications send me into a complete frenzy, I became overly sensitive, emotional, and the "bad" in my life amplified and shifted to the forefront of my thoughts. My head was in a fog. Whatever was happening was crushing my soul 




I spent most of my weekend crying, commiserating with myself and so depressed that I was physically aching and unable to move. I have NEVER felt so low, lost, weak, and directionless in my life - it was frightening! I'd been doing so well up until then - staying positive, weathering through, and battling with elegance. Was I now losing control over my feelings too? I prayed so hard that these emotions and lethargy were direct effects of the synthetic medications floating around my body and not how I actually thought and felt. 

Out of desperation to get myself out of this funk, I visited an old Chinese healer on Saturday afternoon who told me, 
"Things get really bad before they get better."

And then, on Sunday morning, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The negativity, depression and bad juju dissolved in my sleep. It was like I woke up from a nightmare; I felt like myself again. Thank goodness - I bounced right back as the medications exited my system. I put my warrior tiara back on (um... yes, literally LOL) and gained more determination than ever before to get my life back. I've sort of accepted that I can't control a lot of what happens with my body but I am definitely not going to let this thing consume my spirit or my life anymore and that's a promise. Of everything I've experienced, feeling complete loss of control over all aspects of my life was by far the scariest. I'm relieved that I hit rock bottom because this was a springboard to the only direction I have to go from here - UP

On a side note: After having experienced this awful bit of depression, my heart is broken for those who suffer from forms of heavy, sad feelings daily. I'm one of the lucky ones who suffered temporarily and circumstantially but it saddens me realizing there are people out there who struggle with this weight constantly. Through this horrific yet strengthening experience however, I'm more driven to develop the support element of my foundation. It is equally as important as finding a cure and raising awareness <3

May 05, 2015

It Was Almost Too Good To Be True


There were less than 48 hours left until the beginning of my life-changing journey. From the outermost layer, I was about to go on this insanely awesome Asian tour, visiting 5 countries in one month. But at the core, I was about to embark on my internal healing process.

When I booked my tickets for Asia, it had been approximately seven months into this whole debacle and soon after my PET scan results. I planned this spiritual journey out of desperation to save myself from going off into the deep end because I felt myself starting to "go there." As soon as my plans were finalized, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. There appeared to be a light at the end of the tunnel regardless of what turn my health took. Almost instantaneously, I started feeling better physically because I had something to look forward to. Something I was doing for myself. Something I was doing for my heart and mind. 

Monday - I got the call. "You're unfit to travel. Your WBC count [white blood cell] is dangerously low. I'm sorry but, you can't go." I lost it. I couldn't breathe - I was crying so hard. I'd never cried like this before. I couldn't speak. My heart was broken. I was shaking uncontrollably and feeling dizzy. My insides were turning.


Then I asked myself the question I swore months ago that I would stop asking, "why me?" 

Since receiving yesterday's call, I've felt defeated. For 10 months, I've struggled and suffered with this unpredictable, unconfirmed illness with as much grace and positive attitude as I could manage. But now I'm angry and feeling the ultimate betrayal - by my own body. I've been asking myself all day - "why are you doing this to yourself? I'm SO good to you". I feel like a human punching bag. How many more blows can I take? I know there are people who have it much worse but enough is enough. I'm sick of it.

I've been searching for peace - peace I'm unable to find here at this juncture. I'm looking for answers - answers to questions I probably don't even realize I'm asking. I was eager to learn about acceptance and patience. I was hopeful to gain some clarity and potentially understand the incomprehensible. I wanted to be reassured that my pain has left me with bruises and not scars. I was eager to return to Boston with a clear head, having left behind any negativity and ready to start over. This trip was more than a vacation to me. This was my way of temporarily liberating myself from reality. I just want to feel good inside again - I deserve it.

I know myself and I will bounce back from this. I'm sad, disappointed, and angry but I've been through much worse. I just need time to myself and to brainstorm what I can do alternatively to avoid feeling as lost as I do. Anyway, I'm done complaining, no more crying, and most importantly, no more feeling sorry for myself. Health is wealth and without that, I couldn't do anything anyway. If what everyone's saying is true, something better will come along soon enough. Until then, thanks for listening. xx Flower