Sumaira Flower

Sumaira Flower

January 25, 2015

To My Unborn Child - The Tale of My Eggs

In the same breath that I was warned about hair loss, I learned that sterility was also a possible side effect. It was Saturday, December 12th. I left the clinic in a complete daze. I couldn't formulate words or process feelings or thoughts - I was bewildered. I didn't know how to accept and understand such heavy information, so I went straight to the mall, my happy place. But I'll tell you that that sentence haunted me for days...

On Sunday, I began researching the chances of fertility being affected by the new drug. On Monday, I frantically called clinics all over the Greater Boston Area to see where I'd be able to get a consultation asap since I had a very short window of opportunity. On Tuesday, I received a call from Amanda at Boston IVF who patiently listened to my situation. She called me back moments later after having made arrangements with Dr. Ryley who graciously agreed to come in extra early the next morning to get the ball rolling. 

It was 6:30 am, still dark out. I anxiously walked over to the clinic (conveniently located within walking distance of my apartment!) not knowing what to expect. I met Dr. Ryley who is the kindest, most patient physician I've ever worked with. He listened to my story, understood my needs, thoroughly explained the egg freezing process, and strategized a plan based on the given timeline.

I left the clinic that morning feeling...different. Out of nowhere, I felt a burst of maternal instinct; my priority became to protect my unborn child from everything I've been going through. I welled up out of relief and feeling unconditional love for someone I've never met. <3

Start birth control beginning Cycle Day 1. Stop CellCept [an immunosuppressant that was prescribed to me for life]. End birth control starting Cycle Day 8. Expect another menstrual cycle. Self-inject hormones beginning Cycle Day 4 every night for 11 nights. Get early morning blood work and ultrasounds every other day during that 11 day period. Self-inject Lupron within 36 hours prior to the retrieval to trigger the process. Get your eggs frozen. PHEW! 

Besides the physical ramifications, this whole baby saga's been an intense emotional roller coaster. I've been juggling all kinds of feelings for the past month. I feel lucky because freezing my eggs was an option that some women don't have access to. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sadness during all this too. As a young woman, you envision your personal life pans out the way society has conditioned us to believe is ideal: fall in love, get married, have children and so on. I never imagined that I'd have to make decisions about my future children at my age, under such circumstances while SINGLE!

I've been "sick" for six months now and let's be real, I've been through A LOT. But this last month has been the most draining month I've experienced thus far due to a combination of the grueling treatments and the process of harvesting my eggs. Truthfully, the only motivating factor that kept me plowing through was knowing that the end result would be a child in my future. I ADORE children and have always known that I wanted to be a mother some day. Now that this is out of the way, I can rest easy and start the new treatment plan next week knowing my baby will be okay. 

PS. I can't wait til I can guilt trip my kid when he/she is a d-bag teenager and say "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO HAVE YOU!" LOL - is that evil? Yeah, maybe. ;) xx Flower

Thank you to everyone at Boston IVF - you all have been so kind to me and I'm grateful to have met you. Thank you for making this as seamless as possible for me. 

January 03, 2015

1st Solo Movie-Going Experience

I did something tonight I should have done a long time ago...

I'm unsure if it's the time of year (aka human hibernation season), the aging process, being in recovery mode or perhaps a combination of all these factors that motivate me to solely dress in comfy clothes and watch movies. After having slept pretty much through the ENTIRE day, I decided I wanted to go to the movies tonight... alone. 

It took all of 2 minutes to get dressed. I busted out the most "soccer mom" outfit I own, got my hot pink Nike sneakers on, no make-up, messy bun, and extra large sunglasses (partially due to the fact that I'm light sensitive; the other being that I'm a diva) I walked to the movies to get blood flowing through my lazy legs. The streets were empty and quiet; it was just me and the flurries. 

Being that the theater's in Fenway, I had many options for dinner. Burger King? Tasty Burger? Panera? Chipotle? Negative. I stepped out of my comfort zone and got Texan cuisine at Sweet Cheeks BBQ. Oh yeah baby, this is the height of spontaneity for me! LOL I grabbed a seat at the bar, sipped a Pinot Grigio out of a mason jar, and indulged in a baby rib with a cup of mac & cheese (ultimate comfort food!) For dessert, I got a kiddie cup of coffee ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and was en route to my first solo movie-going experience. 

The theater was empty so I sat wherever my heart desired. For 2.5 hours, I watched PK - a Bollywood film - with my legs stretched out, popcorn to myself, without anyone asking me questions about the plot. What a peaceful, pleasant, and liberating experience! 

Had you asked me a year ago, I would've told you that the idea of going to the movies by yourself was sad. I knew people did it and it wasn't totally uncommon, but something about it seemed depressing. Tonight, I chuckle and admit to myself that this was probably the best date I've had in a long time. 

It might sound weird, but I thoroughly enjoyed my own company tonight; sometimes you just need your alone time even if it's in public. I guess the larger lesson learned was that life becomes a lot less stressful and simpler the minute you stop giving a shit about what other people think and societal conditions and expectations. Do things you want to do on your terms. That's going to be my new thing. 

Happy New Year! xx