Searching For Peace
I had a REALLY bad week a couple of weeks ago. What happened? After several excruciating hours of phone tag, I learned that I do not have cancer. Under normal circumstances, this would be the greatest news! But in my case, it was the most heartbreaking news I've received (after finding out that I had NMO) I had been diligently praying that entire week leading up to the scan that I had cancer as it's the lesser of two evils. When the results were revealed, my soul was crushed.
In a single moment, my world came crashing down on me. I felt physical pain when I reluctantly realized that I was stuck with NMO forever and that the quality of my future is unknown. I was suffocating with fear, self-pity, loneliness, awful thoughts and disappointment - all things that I had been working so hard to minimize these past 8 months; I felt like a failure.
I came home that night, dropped down to the floor into fetal position, and cried until the puddle of tears was wetting the hair on my head. Then, something mystical happened. I got up, sat in front of my mirror, wiped the tears off my face and had a heart to heart with myself:
"You have been through a lot. You've reached your threshold of what you can handle and that's perfectly okay. You've done an amazing job thus far and will continue to do so but you need a break and it's time to recharge because the world needs you."
And that's when I decided to go on a spiritual exploration. For one month, I'm traveling to Dubai, Bangladesh, Bombay, Singapore, and Bali. The purpose of my trip is to cleanse and replenish my mind, body, and soul. I want to bring obnoxious laughter, courage, and love back into my life. I'm searching for solace and strength and I'm confident I'll find it. I can't wait to come back smiling, feeling revitalized and for my strength to be regenerated. Despite the negativity I'd been feeling, I do feel extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to do something like this. I also can't wait to shut my phone off and disconnect from the internet for a month - May can't come soon enough! ;)